The Assassin.
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
🛁
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.