When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.