Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
You Might Also Like
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
this has to be peak English
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.