“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes