π¦π₯π¦π₯
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isnβt really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Does anyone elseβs wife quiz them about the movie theyβre watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I donβt know why he didnβt just call a taxi, Linda, Iβve got the same information you have.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: You shouldβve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, thatβs a bird.
Me: I didnβt say he was interested
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
You can’t make this shit up π©
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[driving to occult ceremony]
βIβm just gonna have one sacred elixirβ
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ramβs skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.