HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I have obtained a hat
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
💻🤡
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Its a hippotatomus
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.