Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
This made me chuckle.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
We found love in a hopeless place.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.