In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.