its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My boss called in sick of me
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.