Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.