I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Saturday
#milo
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys