This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
You Might Also Like
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken