I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Actually cracking up @ this
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My first son he is wonderful
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.