It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
For anyone who needs this today
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.