me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
You Might Also Like
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.