Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.