You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.