[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me