To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
how high up are we talkin’?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.