THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
this makes me so uncomfortable
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually