Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”