So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.