Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
🍞🦆
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.