Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
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Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”