Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
incredible
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.