“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.