People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Software Development ⛵️
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust