The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
You Might Also Like
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Camping tip: No.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread