“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done