Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
You Might Also Like
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]