There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
This is why I hate group projects
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?