I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.