Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
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Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Everyone’s family
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Whisper out to librarians!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.