date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
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normalize having existential bread
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong