Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”