THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Swedish for common sense.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Worth remembering.