No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time