King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
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Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds