What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
i meant to share this earlier
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*