baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
me refusing to leave twitter
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches