Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.