I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
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Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
why no one uses midhusbands
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”