From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
spicy snake
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies