If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
when someone rings the doorbell
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Bring back the McRib
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?