Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago