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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.