The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
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Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
This makes total sense…
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
“What movie?” 🤔
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…