People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Oh we’ve met.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa