Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
congratulations to them
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Yup!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Oh yeah that’s it