My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
You Might Also Like
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.